Carousel Journey

Well.....There's no easy way to go through this except to go through it. This journey is not for the faint of heart, this much I can promise you. I am a strong person, which is a blessing and curse sometimes, and it has put me through the wringer. I say sometimes a curse, because rolling up into a ball and hiding away from Life forever seems like an option I would gladly take somedays, but I am not built that way, so I don't. Not for very long anyway.

Over the last 10 days after the transfer, I was a very good patient. I did what I was supposed to, took all of my meds on time, rested (well, rested a lot for me) and tried not to read into too much as my body was reacting to the upped meds and possible pregnancy. I did have more nausea, weird appetite changes, suuuuper tender breasts, and had the ovulation feelings- its the closest description I have to what was happening down there, because they weren't cramps. I had a feeling that I was pregnant, that something was happening. I am very in tune with my body and something was different.

I, technically, wasn't wrong. I went in on the 21st for my blood test to determine if I was pregnant and then went home and waited. I had a leak in the kitchen which has turned into a full re-do of my flooring, so I went home and cleaned out the kitchen and dining room awaiting the arrival of the floor people who would rip it up. While this matter is super annoying, it was helpful to have a focus while waiting so I wouldn't be a jittery mess.

Dr. Bedient called later, around noon or so, and her voice was somber. I knew it wasn't going to be what I wanted to hear. She is so unbelievable kind- I know this was a really hard phone call.

As with most things in my life, its never a simple answer. I had what they call a biochemical pregnancy. What the hell is that, you ask? Well, it means that technically, my hormone levels were high enough to come through as a positive test. The embryo did take and embed in my squishy uterus ( I DO think Ice Cream helped btw), BUT, the levels that are supposed to get higher by a certain time indicated that the embryo would not sustain and that it wouldn't result in a viable pregnancy. If I had done this naturally (aka the fun way) I wouldn't have even known this happened. My period would come and it would all seem normal. So, at least I wasn't crazy- something DID happen. But the lil girl embryo couldn't stay and so now I am back to square....5? Not really square one, as my body is still kinda full of hormones and is "primed" for the next try. The good news is, my uterus is receptive and healthy.

I came off of the meds after the phone call and now, the Monday after the Saturday, I already feel some normalcy returning. However, there are some knarly cramps that come in waves as my body is ridding itself of the massive hormones and is preparing for my period. That should be real fun.

I have an appointment with the Doc on Wednesday to go over what happened and what the next move is. I have one embryo left, a lil boy one, and the success percentage goes up with the next try. Emotionally, while this is all so hard, I feel it will be better to go ahead and try while my body is in this stage- we'll see if I'm correct and what she says.

This has been such a rollercoaster. The grieving over the loss of the lil girl I will never have naturally has been tough. To come to terms with that is hard. I am hopeful the lil boy will stay though and I will love him so very much. I think, overall, the overwhelming feeling and emotion is frustration. I spoke of this before- how its so maddening to do allllll of the things- take meds, have shots that freaking hurt, be sore to the touch where you receive them, deal with all of the effects of pregnancy and then NOT be pregnant- it is enough to make you crazy. To make you so mad at the universe, at God, at your body, at just not having control over any of after all of that. You have to actively stay sane, to not be bitter, and give up. I am trying each day, and I do think I'm succeeding, but it is because my parents raised me to be strong. And when I am not, they are strong for me. My family is strong for me. My friends are strong for me. I cannot properly express what that kind of love feels like, except like I am being saved each minute from deep sadness and despair. Thank you my loves for helping me. I love you.

I went back to the gym today and felt good. Today has been a bit more of roller coaster than yesterday, but overall I am doing good. I am keeping busy. As I go into the next phase, I am staying positive and hopeful. We'll see whats in store. Hopefully after all of this, it will be successful. If not, I will take a long break and then figure it out.

If you are going through this and need a hug, reach out. You're not alone and you are loved.

With all of my love-

-M