Courage, Dear Heart.

This week was perhaps the most difficult emotionally. I knew when I chose to go down this route that it be a roller coaster of all kinds. Perhaps even like the rickety old wooden ones seeing as how aching my back was from being in an induced PMS state for 18 days....and no ibuprofen to be had! But, let me back up.

Last week I had my appointments to see if we could get the eggs that were there to flush away with a Lupron shot and regrow in a more uniform manner. Well, that part worked!! I had a shot on Tuesday that essentially flushed the large egg that had developed out and in its place were 5 uniformly sized eggs. We were back on track! I felt such a wave of relief that all of these shots, bloating, exhaustion, discomfort, and haze of hormones was worth it. I had an appointment Sat to continue monitoring them. Everything looked great- still on track. Continue with the Gonal-F, Menopur, and Cetrotide injections. OK.

Monday's appointment came and I went in for another ultrasound and bloodwork. At this point, I think I've had like 72 vaginal ultrasounds. (in some circles the joke is that it is called a "dildo cam"- sorry mom!) Ok, so maybe not 72, but at least 8-10. I think when you are actually pregnant you have half of that or less. ha! I digress. This appointment didn't go as well.

There was almost NO growth of the eggs that were doing so well just 2 days before! I did gain a small egg, but that was about as helpful as greasing your hair in order to get more volume in it! My coordinator said they would wait for the blood results and the doc would call me in the afternoon to discuss the plan of action. I didn't have a good feeling about this. They should've grown. Not just chill in there like they're on vacation!

Dr. Bedient called and told me that the good news was that the plan worked to a certain extent, but the bad news was the stall in the growth and because of this, the best plan would be to stop the hormone shots and stop this cycle completely. The reasoning behind this is that in the big picture, there was a chance that the stall could impact the viability of the embryo and the pregnancy. It was better to stop now and start again in a few weeks.

So, how does this next phase go? My last round of shots was on Sunday night. I have to tell you- Tuesday was a totally different day!! I woke up and felt....well....like myself. The hormones had started to leave my body and I wasn't tired when awoke or at night. It was crazy!!! The difference was staggering. I also started a hormonal period Tuesday as well, which was unexpected but makes total sense. I should start my normal period in 10-14 days or so, at which time, I am to call the clinic and get ready for the next round. Next week, we will order the meds for that.

I know there were a lot of hormones surging through my body, but overall I haven't really been, or at least felt, overly emotional or sensitive. I did, however, have a very serious emotional morning talking with the doctor and then my mom. The sense of frustration and disappointment was extremely great. I try to keep it light and informative here, but somedays ARE HARD. They suck. There's no way around it. You have to travel through it and get to the other side. It was just an inkling of what some of you have gone through while undertaking this process. I commend you (male and female) for being brave. My mom and dad are amazing at helping me through obstacles and this was no different. Accepting the emotional nature of this, being sad and frustrated, crying it out, and then waking up the next day with a plan- that's how I choose to go through this.

Also- my friends are amazeballs. I have such a wonderful support system in my life- all parts of it, that are there for me at all hours. To those who helped me this week, thank you for making me laugh and for the hugs. I appreciate them more than you know. I am a lucky girl.

With all of that said, some ibuprofen, a glass of wine, and trip to see my family are just what I need. Cheers to that.

-M

Doctor Bedient called and sure enough, we decided that